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Living with Anxiety Disorder: Panic's Siege of My Mind

  • Megan Buckley
  • May 2, 2016
  • 3 min read

I jolt awake in a cold sweat. Head spinning, heart pounding, stomach aching. The daily battle has begun. The anxious thoughts invade one after another, violently assaulting the army of rational thought and forcing it into retreat. My mind whirls uncontrollably. What-if, what-if, what-if? I scan my room and my eyes fixate on the clock: 8:24AM. What-if, what-if, what-if? I kick the covers off my sweaty body and make my way to the bathroom. The beating in my chest intensifies and my breath quickens. I try to recall the fallen forces, but my nervousness erects a seemingly impenetrable fortress around my delicate mind. I’ve been awake only five minutes and I already wish I was not.

My flight response has been activated although there is no real danger threatening my survival. My anxious brain lies to my body, sending it into an exhausting physiological spiral. I brush my teeth over the sink. Side-to-side, up, up, down, down, up, riding the muck from my mouth. I stare at myself in the mirror and notice my calm exterior, a stark contrast to the anxious turmoil brewing within. What-if, what-if, what-if I pass out? What if I black out? I rinse and spit, wishing I could cleanse the psychological vermin of anxiety as easily as I can clean my teeth. My face feels flushed and my fear of passing out is becoming a reality. My breath rises and falls at an ever-increasing rate. I briefly bend down and sit on the floor to steady myself as my vision begins to darken. The wave of the panic attack passes over me, but I succeed in preventing myself from drowning.

I rise from the floor and return to my room. I dress and my eyes meet the clock again: 8:52AM. My attack has made me late to my first class of the day. I am discouraged. I sit on the edge of my bed contemplating whether or not I should go at all. Again, my nerves flare up. I try to stop them from taking over, but my palms begin to sweat uncontrollably. Another wave rises. I decide I am in no shape to attend lecture. I beat myself up for this decision, calling myself a horrible student for missing class and thinking how preposterous the whole situation is. I curl up in the corner of my bed and wait until the panic subsides, hoping the anxious thoughts grow tired of their relentless attacks.

The alarm sounds. It is the next morning. My body is sticky with sweat. My mind swirls slightly, my heart beats steadily. There are knots in my stomach, but these knots are not tied up as tightly as the previous day. The anxious thoughts arm themselves for battle, but this time the rational militiamen are more prepared to fight and they stage an offensive. They are more equipped for battle, using bombardment tactics to push back the enemy, the army of anxiety. The swirling psychological sensation slows. What---. An anxious thought is killed off. My eyes are drawn to the soft glow of the alarm clock: 8:19AM. Wha---. Another anxious thought falls and the side of rationality gains another victory. I gently lift the covers from my body and head to the bathroom. Anxiety is persistent in its fight; however, today it grows weary as reason relentlessly dispatches convoys of powerful thoughts from the frontlines of my mind. My sense of triumph paints a smile across my sleepy face. I am glad to be alive and awake today.

I brush my teeth over the sink. Side-to-side, up, up, down, down, up, riding the muck from my mouth. I stare at myself in the mirror and notice that today my calm exterior matches my peaceful interior state. What-if, what-if, what-if I can put anxiety in its place? What if I can subvert it? I rinse and spit, recognizing I do have some power to rid it from my brain. However, this power exists only as a result of extensive training. Purging anxious thoughts is much harder than cleaning my teeth, but it is possible. A small wave of panic is quickly consumed by a larger wave of accomplishment that I ride happily.

I return to my room and dress for the heat that awaits me outside. The clock reads 8:40AM. I leave my room and head for campus, encouraged by my ability to combat the anxious thoughts that desire to occupy my mind’s palace. Another wave of accomplishment rises and I ride it all the way to the door of the lecture hall. I enter with confidence. Today is going to be a much better day.

 
 
 

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