Finding Myself
It never occurred to me that I had any problems that I needed to solve within myself. When I realized that I had depression, my self-perception diminished. It was hard to get out of bed and face the day with open arms because my lack of emotion for everything I loved to do competed with my happiness. I decided that the only thing I could do was self-blame.
I began to notice my mental health when I felt ready to confess to a girl I loved at the end of sophomore year in high school. I didn’t expect the magnitude of my reaction to her response to haunt me. Since she did not feel the same way I had felt about her, I blamed myself for flaws that I created in my mind to justify her response. Even though, I expected her to give me a genuine explanation, I obtained closure through self-negativity. Despite feeling strong anger towards her, I couldn’t bring myself to move on from rejection. There was a never-ending circle of hypothetical situations where I succeeded in being happy.
I never stopped blaming myself after my confession.
I needed some time to find myself so I mentally left our relationship for a few months. During our rift, however, I found out that she had recently broken up with her boyfriend. Despite knowing I still had feelings for her, she wanted me to comfort her even though I needed the same comfort she longed for. I immediately recognized that she was taking advantage of my vulnerability to do whatever she asked. However, I ended up talking to her until the first few weeks of college, and then all of a sudden she decided to break off contact with all of her non-college friends. I was left in the dust.
In conjunction with relationship issues, my junior year of high school inundated me with an endless amount of work and lack of sleep. While I was convinced that my experience with school was how it was “supposed to be”, I still wondered if my work would pay off. Every now and then, I would stare at the wall of my room until I couldn’t see my reflection. The numbing of my emotions began to take a toll on me until I felt almost paralyzed in my own body. I became afraid that my parents would start questioning my change in attitude.
My crisis continued into senior year when I still wouldn’t talk to anybody or do anything. Even though my workload became lighter, there was still something lingering in the back of my mind. To change my self-perception, I wanted to do something different to take my mind off of negativity and despair. By actively focusing on work and spending time with family and friends, I slowly learned that being productive could help bring about personal resolve and change despite having depression. After accepting a new dogma, I found it easier to accept that I had concerns that needed to be brought to attention.
Despite this, I couldn’t push myself to reveal my depression to my parents. Often, it was hard for me to reveal my personal insecurities because society believes that there should be a natural ability to self-resolve issues. I feared that my parents would tell me to “man up” just like some of my peers. Bringing into question someone’s masculinity based off of mental health is not only dehumanizing but also stigmatizes people based off of preconceived gender roles. I didn’t want to become pigeonholed into a box.
Thus, I realized that I needed to remove myself from toxic relationships with people who I thought were my friends. I also hoped to reflect more on my problems. I never would have thought that the transition from high school to college would have such a big influence on my self-perception of depression. By meeting different groups of people, I found a necessary support system that was keen on reaching out to me. With their impartial views, I found it easier to share my experiences and gain common ground. When I first came to college, I realized that revealing my genuine self to others was important while also being more open to authentic relationships.
I tested my new dogma two months into first quarter of freshman year when I got a text from my former friend. Despite my longing to reconnect with her, I noticed that I was hesitant because my mind warned myself from being too involved in the relationship. Quickly, I realized that I made the correct decision because she was not actively trying to mend the friendship and that her cold attitude toward me never changed.
By renewed interest in figuring out my depression, I tried to become as introspective as possible. With a more open personality and support system, I began to let everything go and move past my problems. I didn’t want to be the victim of my own numbness anymore and let everything around me weigh me down.
I’ve come to realize that depression is not something that is truly finished, but it is an ongoing process. By changing my coping methods, such as sleeping in and shutting myself away from others, to going out and being preoccupied with work, my depression has definitely changed for the better. Every now and then, I still have trouble identifying depression as a part of myself, but I know that wherever I go, I will find a way to resolve my hidden insecurities. In spite of everything, I’m standing strong with courage knowing that I can break through any obstacles that comes my way.