Fearless

i. A Panic Attack:

I feel my heart a hundred times more than normal. It seems like it’s outside of my body. I feel all of this energy surging through my veins, almost as if I will overflow. My head gets fuzzy and I start to have anxiety in my stomach. That’s when I start to cry, but not normal crying; this isn’t a few silent cinematic tears, or something I can suppress with a few deep breaths. This is bawling to the point where I can’t breathe, I can’t say anything, and I can’t control myself. Then suddenly, all of the energy surges out of my body as tears fall, and all at once I am extremely emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted.

This can last anywhere from

a couple minutes

to all day.

ii. A Handy Chart

Things to Say to Someone with Anxiety

1. Be supportive. Understand that if you don’t deal with these things yourself, then you’re not the expert.

2. Be patient. Trust the person to know their own body.

3. Don’t treat them like a child, but acknowledge their trust in you.

4. Don’t pretend to know everything and patronize those struggling with anxiety.

5. Every person is different so if they’re willing to share, listen.

Things Not to say to someone with Anxiety

1. Doesn’t everyone have anxiety? I know exactly what you’re going through; I was really stressed before my final last week.

2. I don’t think you should do that--what if you have a panic attack?

3. During a panic attack: You’re fine, you’ll be okay, don’t panic.

4. Wait, that’s like what crazy people have, right?

5. Stop being so dramatic.

Logical Sydney knows that she’s going to be okay, and that she needs to be careful. Panic Attack Sydney might be struggling, but she doesn’t need your advice, or your condescension. She just needs someone who is willing to listen and help on her terms.

iii. THAT Person

That person is fidgety--are they feeling sick? Are they going to throw up?

I feel weird...is it because I’m too tired, or is it because I’m feeling sick? No one is eating in this restaurant. Will I get food poisoning? Am I thinking about my anxiety too much? Will my friends leave me?

Day to day, most people generally don’t think about their own physiology. For someone with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Emetophobia, however, this is constant. Thoughts like these are intrusive, vicious, and unabating. For people diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety and Emetophobia, living with these disorders for more than a day is exhausting.

Generalized Anxiety is anxiety that comes from inside of you. It’s more than usual stress or nerves because it doesn’t turn off. Emetophobia is the extreme fear of vomit or the act of throwing up. It is actually the most commonly diagnosed phobia, but is not talked about much in media or casual discourse.

iv: Nineteen

When I was younger, I would have loved to know that there were people like me out there. Finding out that two of my favorite journalists---namely, Matt Lauer and Elizabeth Vargas---have Emetophobia made me feel like I could do anything. Emetophobia is a hindrance, but it doesn’t have to be a roadblock. These writers inspired me to rewrite my story and start telling it in my own way.

I have anxiety and emetophobia. It’s made my life more difficult for handling personal relationships, school, and work. However, it has also made me stronger, and opening up about it has made a world of difference for me.

When I was 19, I stood up in front of a group of people and told my story about living with these disorders and it was like I could feel everything--my heartbeat in my chest, and the truth on my lips, and the way sharing can feel like freedom when you let yourself be open and honest. For my communications class, we had to pick a topic to give a speech on, and instead of choosing a generic topic, I decided to make it more personal. Everyone was so supportive, and it really made me feel like I didn’t have to hide who I am.

Later that year, I ended up having to tell all of my coworkers about my emetophobia. I worked in a restaurant back home, in Northern California, and one of our patrons became sick and vomited all over the floor. I had a panic attack, and when I explained that I couldn’t be the one to clean it up, I received only disdain and condescension. People didn’t and still don’t realize that emetophobia is a real phobia. It is a common one at that. It’s fear, not a choice.

Even despite the initial reaction my coworkers had to my revelation, being open about my emetophobia at work lifted a weight off of my shoulders, especially when the novelty wore off and people started to understand more about how I live with my disorders.

I used to never talk about these things. I didn’t feel normal, and I was scared that people would see me differently if they knew my struggles. Currently, I am 20 years old, thus I have only been open about it for about a year now. I used to be so afraid of judgment and being misunderstood, but that year has made a world of difference for me. I began to live the truth in other aspects of my life. I faced my fears, and I gained confidence in myself as I began to better understand my mental health. Other people might not understand it right away, but I’m still proud of myself for opening up despite my fears. Stigma is insidious and common, but I’ve learned that you can’t let it define you.

Though I was able to tell my story, people still ask me ignorant questions all the time. They tell me that I’m not the kind of person they would expect to have anxiety, and that no one likes throwing up, therefore I am not as special as anybody else. They question if Generalized Anxiety and Emetophobia is a real thing, and think my medication has changed who I am, rather than just making my symptoms easier to handle. They think I’m crazy.

If I had let things like this get to me, though, then I’d never get to live the fulfilling, empowered life that I currently have.

Besides, other people will always have misconceptions; the only way to beat stigma is to create a new understanding for myself and the people around me. Being a passive bystander instead of standing up and supporting others nothing helps no one.

v. Believe it or Not

Anxiety is not all bad. It took me my whole life to realize that anxiety can make me strong. I feel things more deeply than others, and thus I appreciate things more deeply as well. When someone says they’re there for me and they mean it, it really does mean something.

I don’t let anyone tell me that I’m weak because I know that I’m always doing my best. People might have a hard time understanding the difficulties that I face every single day, but I know exactly how strong I am, and I’m proud of myself for how far I’ve come.

I’ve really gotten to know my body and my limits, too. I’m so much more self aware than I was before I really got to know myself better.

Not only am I self aware with my body, I am also aware of the type of people I want to be surrounded with. I’ve met those who have taken me seriously and supported me without seeing me differently, as well as people who have treated me condescendingly. Due to being exposed to both, I’ve grown to handle both types of people. My anxiety has given me the opportunity to find out who my real friends are.

So much of my mental health journey has been about self-discovery, and now I’m projecting that outward.

vi. Things I’d Like to Say

Some things I’d like to say to:

1. People that have anxiety:

It does not define you. You can use it to make you stronger and sharper. You will become more in tune with yourself. Don’t be afraid of therapy or medication; there is nothing wrong with them, and helping yourself is a brave step. Talking about it releases a lot of the negative energy in your body--getting your emotions out is better than holding it in, so long as you make sure to put your health first.

2. People that don’t have anxiety:

Anxiety comes in many different forms. Generalized Anxiety and Emetophobia are just one piece of a large, complex puzzle, and even then everyone has different experiences. Telling someone that they’ll be okay when they’re having a panic attack doesn’t help, necessarily, even if your intentions are good (see: the handy chart from earlier). If you’re willing to be open and listen, you can be an integral part of a support system, and a huge source of positivity for them. Anxiety doesn’t change the person you thought they were before they had anxiety.

vii. Fearlessness

My therapist calls me fearless. To me, it means living your life despite having anxiety and emetophobia. It’s realizing you’re different and accepting that fact.

Sometimes, you have to sit by and weather through the storm, but fearlessness is knowing that there’s calmness on the other side.

It’s moving ten hours from home to complete my education.

It’s speaking up about my issues and not letting judgments make me feel less about who I am. It’s me being friends with my disorders, rather than treating them like a separate part of me. I got to know them, and the person I am for having learned to manage them.

It doesn’t mean that I love my anxiety. There are certainly still bad days. In fact, there are more bad days than good days sometimes, but instead of letting it overwhelm me, I yell at it like it’s a real person until it backs off. I have the power to control the way I react.

My anxiety and emetophobia don’t stop me from living the life that I want to lead, and to me, the bravest thing I can do is to live it anyway.

I have anxiety, but I’m not anxiety.

#facingmentalhealth