A Letter to My Friend A

Dear A.,

You came when I was too young to understand the impact you would make in all aspects of my life. You came into my life when I was too young to understand that you'd be joining me for a good while, like a partner always by my side, even when I wished you would go away.

It is because of you that my parents worried, scared that I would not get to experience the moments others take for granted – friendships others let go of, conversations that can last for hours on end, the freedom of living life with no limits. You came selfishly like a thief in the night and stole their plans. Why her? You filled their minds with "if's", "when's", "but's". You implanted this salient word in their hearts: progress.

It is because of you that by year three, there were no longer talks of play dates, but rather of therapy. It is because of you that my afternoons at the familiarity of my home were replaced with the blank, unknown walls of a place where I was told to repeat words and move my body for hours that slowly turned into days, weeks, years.

It is because of you that school turned into a minefield, with every little movement meticulously calculated as to not give myself away. It is because of you that I feared to share with others what set me apart. You made me turn into a mere reflection of those around me, copying their behavior just to make it easier to adjust, to not stand out, to blend in. Every time I failed, harsh words rained down on me, cold with judgment and rejection. It is because of you I learned to put on masks to please others, while I let myself get lost along the way.

It is because of you that I struggled to transition into this new independent phase in my life. You make me seek routine and put this idea in my head that I need to follow every plan to feel balanced. You make me wish for spontaneity and moments of freedom. You block my mind with thoughts and moments of the past that do nothing but consume me. You make it so that there is always something to worry about, when all I want is to take a moment to breathe.

Yet, I must admit that though you came into my life uninvited and made changes without consent, you are still my friend. Despite all the curves you have thrown my way, I want to thank you...

It is because of you that I stand tall today. You taught me to put up a fight like no other, desperately blowing punches at you to set me free. You knocked me out too many times, but I must admit...I am a winner because of you. I am more conscious because of you. I know myself because of you. I am more patient because of you. I celebrate every little victory because of you. My friend, you did not destroy me. You made me stronger. Thank you Autism.

With Love,

Brittany

#facingmentalhealth